


The In-Laws From Hell

by gracie137



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Draco Malfoy Is A Shit, Established Relationship, Family Dinners, Harry Potter Is A Shit, In-Laws, James Sirius Potter Is A Little Shit, Lucius Malfoy Is Just Pure Shit, M/M, The Malfoys Are The In-Laws From Hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 20:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13442859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracie137/pseuds/gracie137
Summary: Harry knows that no-one ever really likes their in-laws, but he's not sure that there's anyone worse than Lucius fucking Malfoy.





	The In-Laws From Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Look ngl this is me channelling my own frustration at my own family meals, and I want it stated that everything that is not Magical or referencing Canon is a legit quote from my grandparents.  
> I hope you all enjoy this and thank you to the beautiful Zeit for being a speedy beta

“I just do not understand why the table we booked for one o’clock is not ready yet,” Lucius sighed, sticking his nose up in the air and gazing around the bar. 

They had been at the bar for half an hour enjoying a bottle of champagne before they sat down for Draco’s fiftieth birthday lunch, and the moment it had struck one, Lucius had demanded their table.

Harry knew Lucius was just being contrary, if the staff had tried to move them to their table at one o’clock on the dot, Lucius would have complained about being rushed. No one could ever win with Lucius.

Harry stared mournfully at the remnants of his champagne glass. He should have drunk it slower so he could currently be focusing on the too sharp taste of the bubbles instead of murdering his father-in-law.

Harry didn’t even like champagne that much, and the overpriced bottle of the stuff Lucius had ordered had tasted exactly the same as the one Harry had picked up from Tesco’s last night. In Harry’s ever so humble opinion, anyway.

“Grandad, it’s like two minutes past one, chill out?” James laughed. 

Harry aimed a kick at his son’s leg to get him to put his fucking phone down before Lucius went off on a spiral about  _ the youth of today _ and their fascination with Muggle technology.

James scowled at Harry, but shoved his phone into the pocket of his jeans. Harry had spent half an hour this morning shouting at James that, no, he could not wear his new ripped skinny jeans to lunch because the restaurant was too smart for that, and also Lucius and Narcissa would murder Harry.

The sun might have shone out Draco’s arse to the Malfoys, but even after twenty two years together, the sun still didn’t shine out of a single orifice of Harry’s. Narcissa didn’t hate Harry, he was pretty sure, anyway, she just despaired of him. The same could not be said for Lucius.

Anyway, Harry  _ knew  _ that if James, the technical Malfoy heir, had turned up wearing ripped jeans it would have been Harry’s fault. Not that James would have got off lightly, he looked too much like Harry for Lucius to love him the way he loved Scorpia. However, Scorpia was a girl and couldn’t be a ‘true Malfoy heir’ or some bullshit.

Lucius had explained this all one night when Scorpia turned ten, and James, at twelve, was showing signs of being as unMalfoy-esque as it got. That was unfair, Harry thought, James was a lot like Draco; he just wasn’t like the Draco the Malfoys knew.

Draco had pitched a fit that his daughter could well be the heir if she wanted to be, not that it mattered because James was perfectly valid. Harry had thought it was all a load of shit but he had enjoyed the yelling regardless.

“Who recommended this restaurant to you again?” Narcissa asked, spelling away an invisible smudge on her glass.

“Ron and Hermione,” Harry said through gritted teeth.

Lucius made a noise, and Harry debated if, as an early birthday present to Harry, Draco would let Harry punch Lucius in the face. He ever so wanted to.

“Well, if it’s good enough for the… Minister herself,” Narcissa hummed with a polite smile before turning back to continue talking to Draco about his new potions apprentice.

Harry resisted the urge to drag his hands through his hair in a moment of self pity, as James and Scorpia started arguing over who got to Wizgram what photo.

“So,” Lucius started and Harry wanted to sob. He hated when Lucius spoke directly to him.

“Yes?” Harry said, with a fake smile that Lucius matched. They had been playing this game for years.

“You’re still working as a…”

_ Oh good _ , they were having  _ this  _ conversation again.

“Yes, I’m still the Hogwarts Defense Professor,” Harry said, smiling genuinely as Lucius’s smile spasmed.

There had never been a teacher in the inner or extended Malfoy family before and Harry was thrilled to be the first. He was also thrilled that his kids were the first ones not to not just be Malfoys. His children were Potter-Malfoys.

“It’s going great; Susan Bones, the Headmistress, is bringing in Magical and Muggle art classes next year so we’re currently hiring for that,” Harry said, his smile only growing as Lucius’s faded completely. Harry had been foaming at the mouth to be able to tell Lucius that after the staff meeting a couple of weeks ago. 

Harry decided if he wasn’t going to be allowed another glass of alcohol to numb the pain, he would have to find another way to make this day tolerable for himself. “Do you know anyone who I could recommend for the job?”

“Your table is ready,” the young witch said, appearing just before Lucius could explode.

Harry glanced at the waitress and grinned, not even caring about the blush on her cheeks when she realised who he was. “Brilliant.”

“Shall we?” Draco said, standing up and helping his mother to her feet. He glanced over at Harry, his eyebrow raised as if knew exactly what was going on between Harry and Lucius. Harry shrugged innocently, and Draco turned away but Harry just caught the smirk on Draco’s lips.

_ Be civil _ , Draco always told Lucius and Harry firmly. And they were civil, they were both perfectly fucking civil. It was all part of the game.

Harry sat down beside Scorpia and Narcissa, and opposite Lucius, wondering how his luck had become so bad. He took his menu with a polite smile.

“Wait, do people actually eat an ox’s cheek?” Scorpia muttered and Harry couldn’t help but laugh.

“Is it like the cheek of the mouth or the cheek of you-know?” James said, wiggling his eyebrows.

Harry knew this was going to lead to another conversation about how  _ he  _ had raised his children, because their crassness had nothing to do with the fact Draco had refused to raise them like he had been raised. Draco had even had that conversation with his parents before but no, of course it was still all Harry’s fault.

“It’s the mouth,” Narcissa said, disdain dripping from her tone.

“Lol,” James said, sharing a grin with his sister. Harry debated trying to kick his son again, but decided that it wouldn’t be worth the risk of kicking Lucius.

“Draco, what wine do you fancy?” Lucius asked.

Draco hummed as he inspected the wine menu. “Depends, what are we feeling to eat.”

“I was thinking fish, but looking at this white wine menu…” Lucius trailed off, sneering at the menu as if he expected the paper to somehow apologise for its failings.

“Hermione said she had a lovely white here,” Harry said to be contrary even though Hermione hadn’t specified what she had drunk.

“Well, obviously, my and Ms Weasley’s tastes differ.”

“Granger-Weasley,” Scorpia piped up. “It’s Granger-Weasley.”

Harry was filled with nothing but love for his daughter in that moment, as Lucius faced twitched again at the mention of a Muggle name and a pureblood name conjoined. Even if it was  _ only the  _ Weasleys.

“What does one have to do here to get a glass of wine?” Narcissa laughed. Harry had never heard such a humourless laugh in his entire life.

“Order one?” James said innocently. Harry bit his lip to stop himself laughing.

Narcissa smiled politely, before giving Harry a firm look as if Harry could control James now he was eighteen years old. Harry and Draco hadn’t been able to control James from two hours old.

Thankfully the waitress returned and Lucius and Draco ordered a bottle of red and a bottle of white.

After catching a glance at the cost of the bottles on the menu, Harry decided that when he and Lucius had their traditional passive-aggressive-off over who got to pay the bill, Harry would let Lucius take this one.

Lucius sniffed the wine, then swirling it around his glass before finally taking a sip. “It will do.”

As the waitress left after pouring them all a glass, Lucius sighed, turning to his wife. “The best of a bad lot, I imagine.”

“Better than the stuff I’m used to,” James murmured. Harry pretended not to hear as both Lucius and Narcissa cast a despairing look at James. Scorpia managed to turn her laugh into a cough.

“It’s a shame,” Narcissa said, swirling her own wine before taking a sip. “It’s too fruity, lacking the crisp taste that you would find of a true French wine.”

Harry shared a glance with his kids. He could see Draco side-eyeing him across the table, and he ducked his head to pay attention to the menu.

_ It’s Draco’s birthday _ , he reminded himself; he could be pleasant.

“Some places will just never understand taste,” Lucius said, and Harry pushed all ideas of pleasantry out of the window. He wished he could push Lucius out of the window.

“Would you like to order your meal?” The waitress asked, appearing behind Lucius and fixing Harry with a beaming smile. Being a Harry Potter fan wasn’t going to win her any favours here.

“Are we ready?” Draco asked looking around the table. He winked at Harry before turning back to the waitress. Draco always found Harry’s fans amusing.

“No, not yet,” Lucius said, holding up his hand and not even bothering to turn around to the waitress.

“Oh, of course,” the waitress said, her smile becoming more forced. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“I hate when people say meal,” Narcissa tutted, fingering the menu. “We’re here for lunch, and it is not difficult for the waitress to specify the courses.”

“Yes,” Lucius nodded, taking another sip of his wine. “Did you notice how when we went for supper with the Parkinsons the other night that the host told us to ‘enjoy our meal’,” Lucius shuddered. “I must say it put me off my  _ meal _ .” Lucius laughed, Narcissa joined in and Draco chuckled.

Harry debated trying to drown himself in his wine so he could leave this fucking  _ meal _ . He gave Draco a look and Draco stared back.

He knew what Draco’s look said, it meant  _ play along _ . 

Draco was no longer his parents puppet, in fact he was far from so, but Harry still sometimes wanted to murder his husband. Draco was a born and bred snob and that couldn’t be totally removed.

Harry kept staring at Draco until Draco gave him a soft smile, and Harry caved. Draco was lucky Harry loved him.

The starters managed to go off without a hitch, and Harry thanked whatever force was out there looking over him that he might make it through the rest of the lunch without resorting to murder. He didn’t think Ron would appreciate it if he had to come and arrest him.

Then again, Ron would be arresting him for murdering Lucius Malfoy, so Ron would probably high-five Harry and then offer to hide the body.

“Waiter,” Lucius said, sticking his hand up in the air and causing Harry to trail off from where he had been discussing Scorpia’s Divination project.

The waitress scurried over, only just managing to mask the fact she looked like she’d rather be anywhere else. Harry sympathised.

“Yes, Sir?”

“This is the roast lamb, yes?” Lucius said, gesturing at his plate. Lucius, Draco and Narcissa had all ordered the roast lamb. Harry had gone for the burger just to watch Lucius glare at him. It was a great burger.

“Yes,” the waitress said.

“This isn’t how roast lamb is usually cut,” Lucius said, staring at the waitress who was standing at the end of the table beside Draco looking like she wanted to die. Harry related because he currently wanted to die of embarrassment.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what you mean?” The waitress said, shooting a desperate glance at Harry.

“The roast lamb we’re used to is thinly sliced,” Narcissa said as if that made all the world of difference.

Harry ate a chip and tried not to sigh.

“Would you like me to ask the chef to slice it for you?” The waitress asked.

Lucius and Narcissa looked at each other. Harry glared at Draco who was snickering into his wine glass.

“If you would,” Lucius declared after a moments thought. The waitress nodded, spelling their plates up into the air and bringing them back to the kitchen.

“Also did you think that lamb looked much more like a piece of leg than shoulder?” Narcissa said.

“Yes!” Lucius nodded, “I noticed that, too!”

“It said shoulder on the menu,” Harry pointed out, just about refraining from rolling his eyes when Lucius and Narcissa gazed at him like he was an idiot.

“It just didn’t strike me as a shoulder of lamb,” Narcissa sniffed.

“I completely agree,” Lucius nodded again.

Harry ate another chip as he listened to Narcissa and Lucius discuss the alleged conspiracy theory that they had been served a leg not a shoulder, even though the menu said a shoulder and the chef probably knew what he was doing.

“If you ask me,” Draco piped up, and he was wearing that smirk that only meant bad things in Harry’s understanding of it. “If we should be complaining about anything, it’s the fact the lamb was clearly over-cooked.”

“Yes!” Lucius and Narcissa cried.

Harry stared at his husband, filled with the sense of complete and utter betrayal. Draco winked at him and Harry scowled. Draco was so fucking lucky it was his birthday.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this brought some amusement to some of you and if it did comments and kudos are amazing <3 love you all <3
> 
> Find me on tumblr [@gracie137blogs](http://gracie137blogs.tumblr.com)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Of Waltzes and Oom-Pahs](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13445796) by [aibidil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aibidil/pseuds/aibidil)




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